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Vladimir Putin should have pursued a career as a self-esteem coach instead of becoming a dictator and war criminal. For five years, he’s been unable to capture the village of Mala Tokmachka in Ukraine’s Zaporizhia region. Ukraine is bombing his airfields and military factories from Voronezh to Omsk, oil depots in Moscow are burning, and so are the ports of St. Petersburg — yet he demands that NATO roll back to its 1997 borders and grant him an exclusive sphere of influence stretching from Helsinki to Prague, as if he were sitting at the helm of a new Warsaw Pact.